Here are my gleanings from the following book - worth reading in full. The Gift of Failure: how to step back and let your child succeed, by Jessica Lahey. Short Books, 2015 [ISBN 978-1-78072-2443]
An over-protective, failure-avoidant parenting style boosts your own self-esteem but undermines a child's competance, independence and academic potential. Children are capable of doing much more than we allow them to do. Failure is a necessary part of learning. Being afraid of failing leads to losing focus on learning itself. Daily nagging about homework and grades teaches that external rewards are more important than the effort of learning. Praise sticking with a difficult piece of work as these situations help us to learn, be creative in problem solving and learn self-control and perseverence. Intrinsic (self) motivation is more powerful than external rewards.
Playing with a young child (e.g. Lego or imaginary play), will go well if you follow their ideas; try to impose your ideas and they will lose interest or get cross. Give even young children choices; though younger ones need limited choices (wear the red or the blue t-shirt) as too many options will overwhelm. Toddlers brains are not ready for long-term planning and sequencing parts of complex tasks. They can move from simple tasks to more difficult
ones as they get older. Early teens are a prime time for failure as they are given a level of responsibility (organisation, planning, time management and shifts of focus) at secondary school that is initially challenging. They are not usually capable of mastering this all at once. Let them fail (forgotten homework, missing PE kit, lost textbooks) and feel the pain and inconvenience of their mistakes, then support their efforts to do better in future.
Establish a few non-negotiable expections (e.g. homework done on time, curfew is 10pm). They need boundaries and will test limits to be reassured that nothing has changed and the world can be relied on. Otherwise self-imposed goals are the safest place for a child to fail; they can be amended, changed according to circumstances and postponed. Habits use a basic feedback loop - cue (hunger, boredom), habit (go to cafeteria) and reward (buy and eat cookie).
Developing competence requires ability and experience. Small failures mean stakes are relatively low and potential for emotional and cognitive growth are high - these are 'desirable difficulties'. In Japan there is less labelling and children are not separated by ability; it is less about what you are born with than what you do; up to a certain point, everyone is capable of cultivating skills, even in art or music - it just takes effort. ## Be specific and clear about what you want a child to do. Demonstrate a task the first time (e.g. doing a load of laundry). Offer guidance when they get frustrated or need re-direction. Explain disasters. Don't take over or re-do something as 'not good enough' - accept they may make a mess of things at first. Have high expectations (you can do this). Don't
do it if they forget. Don't offer rewards as motivation but use occasional rewards to celebrate specific achievements. Don't provide solutions or correct answers before the child has had time to struggle with the problem. Acknowledge their feelings of frustration and disappointment. Give feedback as questions - 'did you manage to do x?'
Homework has little academic value at primary school but offers the chance to develop ability to initiate, delay gratification and persist through frustration and challenge. At secondary school it starts to have academic benefit. Homework also gives teachers feedback on progress - but not if parents are 'helping'. A low mark can prompt a child to change. ## It is your child's job not yours. Let your child choose when and where to do homework. Praise effort. Don't step in and rescue your child - completing a task is its own incentive. If tasks take too much time to complete, check (a) any problems with vision or hearing, (b) getting enough sleep - teens need 8.5 to 9.25 hours a night, or (c) the task is too easy or too hard - in both cases they can lose interest and focus. ## Remove all distractions (e.g. mobile phone). Set timer for task - remind them they must budget time (10 maths problems in half an hour). Depending on meal times, a healthy snack and drink of water to start. They need to know what is required. Do the hardest work first. They should check if they have done all parts of a task. If cannot complete, at least do some.
Free play with other children. This is where they learn interaction, negotiation and cooperation. Insist only on (a) bicker only about issue at hand, (b) never bring up something from the past, and (c) no name calling. They benefit from seeing rows with friends through to resolution.
Sports are an opportunity to experience losing but in today's competitive sports, the losers are kids who just want to play. If parents intensify competition, everyone loses, especially if they pit siblings against each other. ## Trophies, awards, medals and scholarships undermine drive. Be the parent not the coach. Never criticise the coach in front of the child. Don't ask your child to fulfil your own sporting dreams. Accept failure as part of the process. There is a difference between quitting and failure.
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